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Apr. 6th, 2009

Steady as she goes

is it always going to be this hard?

i try to find reasons as to why i want to live my life, everyday.

lots of things keep me sane, but sometimes i lose sight of why anything is important to me in the first place.

i let people get under my skin so bad that i would rather die than confront them about hurting me.

i'm just as guilty as the next guy of doing bad things.

but i've never met someone so keen to break someone down, then turn around and say they're just doing it because they're concerned.

i know some of the most amazing people in the world, and i am grateful that they are in my life.

but i am scared of one. they have made my life a living hell for the last year and a half.

i'm so ready to let go

how did we drift so far apart?
and what made you hate me so fiercely?

Jul. 1st, 2008

Pretty

make up your mind

sometimes thinking of living alone seems...
impossible.

but i'm sick and fucking tired of having to please the people i live with, when they could give a rats ass about how i feel.


stop trying to tell me your concerned about my depression, because your just jealous i don't have to work.


you think i like taking my moms money? did you ever think it may be one reason i'm depressed?

the fact that i cant take care of myself makes me sick.
and it's not that i don't want to work.

i don't give a shit either way!
i'll work, but i've gotta figure out if i'm going back to school as well.


ugh.

life is tedious.

Jun. 25th, 2008

Anyone there?

havin sex with me and K.G., now you're talkin double team, SUPREME!

[ifeellikeihavearthritusinmyhandsandarmsandneck.ithurtsandsucks.]


as i'm getting ready for this "meeting" we're txting back and forth. keeps reassuring me he's a little bit different, "nicer"...i couldn't help but feel a little cynical.

and of course i had to pick him up.

seeing him in my car..sitting right there, alive..was one of the weirdest moments..it was so surreal.
even though it's only been about 2 1/2 years since we broke up...ah, you know what i mean..

i brought him over to my house to hang and have some drinks, and at first it was a pleasant visit.

what i mean is, is that he was so drunk and i was so drunk, and steve was so drunk that there was no room for animosity...which is remarkable...i'm all about it, but can't bring myself to embrace him in mine.

(even though i wish he didn't exist.)

so, the beginning of the night we're casually talking...like old friends would, and i was enjoying his company for once.


and just like always he gets touchy.

acts like i'm of some wealth to him.
(can't let go.)

so i grasp back.

only to find he tastes the same.


that should've been some, indication.


although, i think i accepted this because i'm still a sucker for hope.

i sometimes still beleive he may be the one who helped me the most.

because his actions are one HUGE reason i'm in so much pain.

and he's one HUGE reason i want to save myself.




yet, i'm so small...
it gets overwhelmingly hard to carry it all by myself.


anyways...
i find myself drinking a whole shit-ton of jameson.
it's not that i wanted to hide..


i was just making sure that i didn't.



first he kissed me in the car.
then kissed me when no one was looking.
during the movie.
said he loved it.
and said he loved me.



of course ilethiminsideme.


[maybe i'm just desperate and dirty.
not lonely and lewd.]

when he asked me to marry him, i said no.
and i meant it.

i kept asking if he was sober.
wondering if he was coherent enough to understand what he was doing.
i still had my walls up.
he assured me he was coherent, and meant what he said.



even when he fell asleep, i'd move, he'd wake up, kiss my head, and fall right back asleep.



i actually thought i had my first "husband to-be" back.


how wrong i was...



:next time on darby's crazy fucked-up "love" life-o-rama: MOVIES WITH FUCKED UP TITLES FROM THE BIBLE, STAND BY ME SUBTITLED COMMENTARY ON HOW DUMB CORY FELDMAN IS, TOUCHY-FEELINESS, SMOKING SOMEONE ELSES WEED, GETTING A WEIRD HIGH FROM THAT WEED, LEAVING (because you can only compete with your ex-boyfriends wanna-be girlfriends for so long before wanting to beat the shit out of them.)




(P.S. - almost forgot to say that when he was "touchy" - meaning he was trying to tickle me, i punched him right in the fucking face...((on accident)) too bad it wasn't for real.)

Jun. 19th, 2008

Anyone there?

2 years?!

i can't believe i haven't posted in that long!
not that it really matters...i don't have many friends on here, they've all read my blog on myspace...which is more of a book, so when it comes to my livejournal...i've just kind of been oblivious to it's existance.


but, i've gotta get this out, so..



on jun 18th i recieved an e-mail from logan, here are some excerpts: "so since i have been back im seeing you everywhere and its bringing back lots of feelings." then an apology..says he wants to speak face to face, or via txts, bla bla..then this is the rest (hahaahaha)..."basically i am really sorry for the way i treated you. i hope one day you will forgive me. i shouldnt have done somethings i did, and shouldnt have said somethings i did. but mainly i want you to know that i still hold a place for you in my heart. You believed in me when no one did. you loved me when no one would. thank you so much for that. please lets talk."


so i did what any self respecting woman would...and ignored it completely..ha!

to no avail though.

i can't remember exactly when, but needless to say i received a txt message from him one night, whilst being drunk, playing guitar hero with cate and dave aka cave and date.

i was pissed. so i asked him where he got my number.

replied with "is it such a bad thing?"

and to be honest...i think it was in a way, but we'll get to that soon enough.

so i told him why i didn't want to, bla bla, more apologies from him, but then it got late so we decided to talk the next day.

at noon sharp i received yet another, and we started talking about hanging out that day;
ever since he had e-mailed me i wanted to see him, for some fucking reason, and in the back of my mind...like always...i was already fantasizing about being back with him.


so after a couple hours of our usual backandforth cynacism, it was happening.

i was actually gonna see the person who destroyed my heart 2 years ago, face to face...



:and next time on darby's crazy fucked up life: SEX, LAUGHTER, DISERTION, BETRAYAL, AND A PUNCH IN THE FACE!

Mar. 29th, 2006

Play With Fire

i love desk

im fine.


and all is good for now.

i love lamp.

Jan. 16th, 2006

Steady as she goes

Fickle

yuck.
may.
be.
the.
best.
word.
ever.
to.
describe.
how.
my.
heart.
feels.
because.
of.
words.
unheeded.
and.
not.
careful.
enough.
to.
protect.
a.
soul.
that's.
dirty.
mistakes.
are.
made.
and.
words.
not.
wanting.
to.
be.
said.
are.
somehow.
spoken.
non-chalantly.
my.
whole.
world.
was.
something.
that.
doesn't.
matter.
and.
i.
think.
it's.
somehow.
true.
today.

Jan. 5th, 2006

Pretty

(no subject)

The shrink says. "Don't give him, or them your power."

Everytime I see him, or hear his name I get nervous, or anxious. I start shaking. It is something that I cannot control.
But I am getting better by the minute. When I think about him, or even start to miss him, I tell myself that it's not worth getting worked up over. He's not worth my time and energy anymore, and never was.

But I miss hanging with my old friends. Like Iris. I miss Iris. And I can't hang out with her because he's always with Levi or Jake, and so is she. And to get over this I cannot be around him. He annoys me, and it would just be a big debacle anyways, and again...not worth my mother fuckin time.

Ugh.
It sucks.

Jan. 4th, 2006

Steady as she goes

Her thinking is the dangerous type.

I've been thinking.
How I've been living as of late. Everything I do is to prove something to someone else.
I've never sad down with myself and said.."Hey, look. You worry about what everyone else says, does, and thinks. What I'm wondering is why you even give a fuck. I know you've always been like this, but shit...nows the time to have fun for yourself. Get to know you. Stop worrying if someone will like you, because honestly if they don't, then it's really no time wasted. You already know how funny, smart, and pretty you are. So STOP WORRYING."

And I've been realizing that I seriously don't need Logan anymore. That I never did, and that even though I was lonely, I was better off not knowing who he was. Throughout the relationship I was nothing but faithful, and in love. I may have had "crazy girlfriend" times, but that's what happens when someone moves in day 1 (yea I know) and all you want is them to accept and love you. And stop playing video games on the computer because you've been waiting for three hours. My love overshadowed everything that he had done wrong. He was immature. He was arrogant. He was heartless. No matter how many times he said he loved me, he didn't know how to. I still feel sorry for him. His childhood was no picknick, but it is no reason to treat someone who gave you everything, like shit.
I remember he kept telling me he had his own life...bla bla bla. Well if you had your own life I don't think you'd be running from the cops, and feeding off of your girlfriend for everything her, and her family has. So shut the fuck up, please?

I'm not missing you as much.
I'm not in love with you anymore, and I thank god.
I don't care how you are doing.
And I wouldn't attend the funeral service, either.
Steady as she goes

Update of the Century.

The shrink told me no more retaliation.
No more anger.
Take care of yourself.
Stop worrying about everyone else.
They will not take care of you any longer if you're always angry.
You are unhealthy both physically and mentally.
You have a disorder. You are not what they once thought.
But you are sick.
And you need to get better.

Just remember little one.
You are better than him.
He lied to you, on many accounts.
If one loves you, then they will stay faithfull.
He therefore, did not.
It hurts still, not as bad, but the pain is still under the skin.

But you are not a bad person.
You have made bad choices and now is your time to right them.
Just remember.

*You are intellegent. Stop lying to yourself.
*You are beautiful. Stop letting mirrors dictate your mood.
*You are witty, and funny. Something alot of people aren't. Remember...you put smiles on peoples faces, and laughter is your favorite thing.
*You will be successful in life, and love. Throw away your clock, and keep your mind busy, little one. It will come.

-fin <3

Jul. 14th, 2005

Steady as she goes

someone else

Here I am again.

Feeling BAD. Again. I'm starting to think to myself that this is MY viscious cycle.

I really just want to apply for a credit card. Get one. Use it and move. OUT OF HERE. Here. This city, and me is what is making me feel this way. This city is toxic. And it is turning my skin yellow. You have to see it to belive it. I'm serious.

I'm sick , and I'm tired.

And you know the funny part?

It is ALL in my head, and I know it. I KNOW it.

Yea real funny.

There's another thing I might have to do now.

Let HIM go. It's something he needs to do, and I also know this.

And the saddest part is that I'll let him do it.

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