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havin sex with me and K.G., now you're talkin double team, SUPREME!


as i'm getting ready for this "meeting" we're txting back and forth. keeps reassuring me he's a little bit different, "nicer"...i couldn't help but feel a little cynical.

and of course i had to pick him up.

seeing him in my car..sitting right there, alive..was one of the weirdest moments..it was so surreal.
even though it's only been about 2 1/2 years since we broke up...ah, you know what i mean..

i brought him over to my house to hang and have some drinks, and at first it was a pleasant visit.

what i mean is, is that he was so drunk and i was so drunk, and steve was so drunk that there was no room for animosity...which is remarkable...i'm all about it, but can't bring myself to embrace him in mine.

(even though i wish he didn't exist.)

so, the beginning of the night we're casually talking...like old friends would, and i was enjoying his company for once.

and just like always he gets touchy.

acts like i'm of some wealth to him.
(can't let go.)

so i grasp back.

only to find he tastes the same.

that should've been some, indication.

although, i think i accepted this because i'm still a sucker for hope.

i sometimes still beleive he may be the one who helped me the most.

because his actions are one HUGE reason i'm in so much pain.

and he's one HUGE reason i want to save myself.

yet, i'm so small...
it gets overwhelmingly hard to carry it all by myself.

i find myself drinking a whole shit-ton of jameson.
it's not that i wanted to hide..

i was just making sure that i didn't.

first he kissed me in the car.
then kissed me when no one was looking.
during the movie.
said he loved it.
and said he loved me.

of course ilethiminsideme.

[maybe i'm just desperate and dirty.
not lonely and lewd.]

when he asked me to marry him, i said no.
and i meant it.

i kept asking if he was sober.
wondering if he was coherent enough to understand what he was doing.
i still had my walls up.
he assured me he was coherent, and meant what he said.

even when he fell asleep, i'd move, he'd wake up, kiss my head, and fall right back asleep.

i actually thought i had my first "husband to-be" back.

how wrong i was...

:next time on darby's crazy fucked-up "love" life-o-rama: MOVIES WITH FUCKED UP TITLES FROM THE BIBLE, STAND BY ME SUBTITLED COMMENTARY ON HOW DUMB CORY FELDMAN IS, TOUCHY-FEELINESS, SMOKING SOMEONE ELSES WEED, GETTING A WEIRD HIGH FROM THAT WEED, LEAVING (because you can only compete with your ex-boyfriends wanna-be girlfriends for so long before wanting to beat the shit out of them.)

(P.S. - almost forgot to say that when he was "touchy" - meaning he was trying to tickle me, i punched him right in the fucking face...((on accident)) too bad it wasn't for real.)


So complicated! I hope you find your way through this stuffs, Darby:)
i'll be able too.
just gotta make up my mind, when it'll be...

ah well, no matter...let's paint again :)


idee quadro

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Steady as she goes

April 2009

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