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Jul. 7th, 2005

Steady as she goes

(no subject)

So, a new look, for a new feel.

I feel MUCH better. I'm just still tired. Tired because I'm lazy. I'm so, SO, so fucking ready to find a new job, that I can taste it. And it tastes like Barbeque Chicken, with lots of good fucking barbeque sauce. That's right mother fuckers.

The only thing that's stopping me, is.....me. I goto bed at, well it's currently 5:50 in the morning, so yea...you catch my drift? I don't wake up till like 3. I need to get a routine. Not that I ever had one, but still. Force myself to do things that I don't neccesarily(sp?) want to do, but need to. For physical, and mental health. And stimulation. Like stimulation from a vibrator...heh....

So I can get a good paying job, so I can make money to get my GED, so maybe I can get a better job than that one, and make some money for college, or something. Maybe get a nice cozy apartment. Have people over to watch movies, and drink sometimes. I'd decorate it. Buy cool art to put up. Comfy furniture to fall asleep on. Make it my own. Mine. But yea, college.

I want to learn again. Fill my brain with knowledge. Feel smart. Maybe for myself. Just so I know.

This is a personal part of this blog, but I don't care.

Tomorrow I put my Birth control back in. Here goes another 3 weeks of Darbzilla. I go in for my "exam" on the 14th, so I'll tell the doctor then, about the side effects. That when it's in I'm severely depressed. And it sucks.

But yea...so we're out of food till Friday. and Friday will be a fun day. We get to get Food, Gas, I'll give Jess the money she needs, and maybe have some to spare! Maybe....I don't make too much.

There's so much that I want to do with this little life of mine right now. NEED to do. I just hope I have the strength to do it.

I don't want to give up anymore.

Jun. 8th, 2005

Steady as she goes

(no subject)

Well I got my teeths pulled, and I'll tell you, it didn't hurt at all. I could just hear lots of stuff. So I was totally scared for nothing. I'll get all my fucking teeth pulled, bitch.

Yeeah, that's right. And fuck your mothers asshole too! Hahahaha.

I also started my period. I found out, and then ran in my room, and just sat on Logan's lap, hugging him. I was just sooo relieved. I'm so thankful. I think I'm the only woman who actually duigs having her period. It's just a sign of relief for me, that's all.

Well I'm on vicodin right now, and it makes me feel like, light and dizzy. It's kinda like being high. It also gets me tired, but I can't sleep.

Logan has a job interview on Friday, and I'm excited. I'm just gonna pray that he get's it. I don't see why he wouldn't. So this is gonna be awesome. I wanna get a job in Fruita too. So I can save gas money, and probably make more, anyways.

Well hope all is well. Goodnight.

Jun. 3rd, 2005

Steady as she goes

(no subject)

I hate complaining. Yet I'm the complaint queen. I can't hardly ever stop myself.

But sometimes I need to get it out. I hate myself for it, but....

I wish I had my long hair back. I wish I was 40 pounds lighter *yea, we all do I know.* I wish I could kick someones ass, but I won't. I wish I could play video games like Logan and Tyler. I wish I had a different job. I wish I wasn't sad. I wish I didn't have monster PMS. I wish my blankets stayed cool at night. I wish my teeth were white and healthy. I wish I could find a better paying, and awesome job. I wish I was in College. I wish I was out of College, and a had a wonderful carrer. I wish I could learn everything I want too, and have it stick with me forever. I wish I had a short term memory. I wish that I stay in love with Logan, forever, be happy, in love, compassionate and strong. I wish everyone stays happy and healthy.

I wish I have a better day tomorrow.

May. 19th, 2005

Steady as she goes

(no subject)

This story has been writing it's own pages for a long time.
I am just now putting these chapters together.
This is a cautiuonary tale. It is meant for understanding, and I most certainly do not want anyone to feel sorry for me.
But lately I've been thinking about my life, and what I could've fixed, or where other people could have helped me.

I was born here in Grand Junction, Colorado.
We lived here until I was one, and then moved off to Alpina, Michigan.
That was where I encountered my first ghost. Believe me or not, but I was 3, and I do remember seeing the ghost of an animal.
We moved back to Colorado 3 months later. That is why I am deathly afraid of the dark.

I started going to school when I was 5. I wish my parents had put me in pre-school, but I don't think they had the money.
I had social problems when I started, especially with the "popular" kids. Yea...they were there, even way back then. I was poor, so I wasn't liked very well by most.
I remember I had a huge imagination, and would usually be by myself.
This is where I remember where I started to "shut down"
I was so terrified of the other kids that I would get distracted, not do my work (like there was much in kindetgarten anyway, but...), so I would have to copy off of someone. I never learned how to tell time on a regular clock, and I taught myself how to tie my shoes, 3 years later.

I was also pretty scared of my teachers, and thats thanks to my imagination, because I would just imagine them becoming Monsters, and calling me stupid.
Whats shocking to me, is that this was all me. Me just making this up, and brewing ideas in my head.
It was definitely not my parents, because they've spent their entire lives trying to help me out.
It was me. All in my head. And there was no one there to recognize what I was doing to myslef. I was mentally abusing myself.
This continued up until just this last year of school. Now that I'm out, I can see.
I never paid attention, because I was scared too. Why though...you got me. I cannot explain.
Because I know how smart I am. I know how capable I am.
It just makes me sad to see what I've made myself into. Because I could've graduated with my class 2 years ago. I could've learned my multiplacation facts in 3rd grade, not 5th.
I could've been an ALMOST junior in COLLEGE by now. But I'm not, and I wont be.
I just hope that I can learn from my mistakes in time to take my life over again. Maybe even do the things that I've always wanted to do, and not tell myself that I'm too stupid to do it.


May. 17th, 2005

Steady as she goes

It was riddled with 120

It's almost 6 in the morn.
I cannot sleep.
I hate this shit. I take pills. I fight them to stay awake. I lay down, in the quiet. I get bored. I honestly think it's insomnia, or like Logan tells me, it's all in my head.
It is all in my head.
And my hands smell like sunless tanner.
And my skins sparkly.
And my nails are brittle.
And my toes hurt.
And my room is different.
And I wanna take new pictures.
And I wanna look different.
And I wanna lose weight.
And I wanna be a good person.
And I think I can do this.
And I want WAY more tattoos.
And I want to get rid of my startech marks.
And I want to feel beautiful.
And I want to look like Shera, from suicidegirls.com.
And I need emotional help.
And I need to give thanks.
And I need my teeth pulled.
And I need to punch you in the face.

And most of all.
I want to goto sleep.

May. 11th, 2005

Steady as she goes

You have to read this shit!

~St. Mary's Catholic Church

If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord.

Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that
young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

-Frequently wears black clothing. [me]

-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts. [me]

-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish. [i wear the blackest black times infinity]

-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols. [an ankh is bad? what the fuck?]

-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos. [me]

-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.) [anti-social genres? give me a fucking break...how ignorant]

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically. [watch out, we'll kick you apart by being eccentric!]

-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports. [yea, because they suck...]

-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan. [yea, because that stuff is cool...]

-Takes drugs.
[give them all to me.]

-Drinks alcohol. [give it all to me.]

-Is suicidal and/or depressed. [both, please :)]

-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.) [omg.]

-Complains of boredom. [i am boredom.]

-Sleeps too excessively or too little. [me]

-Is excessively awake during the night. [me]

-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.) [hahahaha!]

-Demands an unusual amount of privacy. [you'd masterbate frequently if you were single too!]

-Spends large amounts of time alone. [masterbating]

-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through meditation.) [aside from being exceedingly redundant..omg...]

-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult. [Hey, MOM, DAD! Let's go smoke so much pot that our lungs pop, then go get so drunk we end up at a resteraunt ordering a salad we don't even remember speaking about, then rushing outside, raging pissed, hit an ex-bf in the foot with the door, he screams, yet you just walk away drunker than shit, then walk right back in...]

-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this. [they disregaurd me, if anything..]

-Misbehaves at school. [i still misbehave at school]

-Misbehaves at home. [it my fuckin house, bitch!]

-Eats excessively or too little. [i love me some food]

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this. [oh for fuck's sake..]

-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.) [one day i'll be a vampire, and totally slaughter whoever wrote this..]

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.) [if it weren't for tv i'd probably be a serial killer.]

-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.
[role-playing nature? what does that mean?]

-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer. [i am a computer]

-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music. ["she's making those 'satanic symbols' again, and she's started to violently shake her head to music priest sir.." i love this mental image]

-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner. [so are you saying all black people are going to hell? what racists! *hahaha*]

-Expresses an interest in sex. [ME]

-Masturbates [almost too much]

-Is homosexual and/or bisexual. [i am both :) hahaha]

-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
[ i agree bout the SCIENTOLOGY, but buddhism?]


-Claims to be a goth. (again, "woe is me", ahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

~St. Mary's Catholic Church

god i'm so goth i can hardly stand it!

May. 3rd, 2005

Steady as she goes

(no subject)

Today was a day off.
I am tired. And I slept alot. And I'm still tired.

I got a gym membership, so I can lose some weight.
Hopefully I'll bootcamp my ass and do this shit.

I asked Logan to marry me. He said yes. We will definitely be engaged for a long time.
He wants kids, but I don't really want them right now.
Not even in 3 years.
I don't even want to get married in 3 years. I want to wait.
If we are to spend the rest of our lives together, then I sure as hell am gonna get MY life straight, and so is he.
And I know that it will take a long time. A long, long time.

But everything will be fine. Everything is fine.
Even when everything wont be fine. It will be ok.
I got his ring. I hope he likes it....

Mar. 20th, 2005

Steady as she goes

(no subject)

Well crap.
Starting yesterday to Saturday....I work 54 hours....
I'm tired.
Yesterday was a 9 hour shift, today was a 6 hour shift, then Wed. I work an 8 hour, and Thurs, and Sat. I work 7 hour shifts, the rest are like 5 hour shifts....ugh....
Well I talked to Logan earlier...and it started off good, then all of a sudden he got mad at me, for no reason.
It was funny though, because I got really mad back, and said fuck every other word, and we started laughing.
He said I was cute when I got mad at him.
That's over now. He'll call again at 9:30 to say goodnight.
Well the Ring 2 was pretty good, 'sept for that one part...you know what I'm talkin bout.
I'm not gonna tell you though, because...I'm not your fucking mommy!
I ate some chinese tonight...It was pretty good.
I feel like cleaning right now, so I think I will.

Mar. 9th, 2005

Steady as she goes

(no subject)

I'm like, obsessed with Queer Eye for the staraight guy!
After everyone else...hahaha.

Well, well, well. I absolutely detest work...but it's not as bad as I make it seem. I just make everything into this negative...like ugh....the only intelligent word that is coming to mind is 'thing'
Schools not so bad, works not so bad, life is not so bad.
I'm just lazy, and impatient. So there ya go.

" Dear baby,
I love you so much. I just thought I'd start the letter off by saying how much I love you, and will always love you. Hopefully my letters cheer you up as much as yours cheer me up. I love you so much baby. It's alomst...well is unbearable, but your letters and thoughts of our wonderful past, and future to keep me going.."

" I just cant wait to be in your arms, giving you kisses, not to mention nose kisses, cuz those are the ones you give when you really love someone, and I really really really love you."

I love him.
I love him so much.
I just love him....*sigh*

Mar. 7th, 2005

Steady as she goes

(no subject)

He's me now.
He's making me goto school.
He's making me stick it out until I find a better job.
He's loving me with all his heart.
He's giving me all the right answers.

When I'm on the phone with him...most of the time I'll end up crying. I just miss him so much, but at least I get to talk to him. It's just such crap that you have to pay 3 dollars a call!
They even monitor the calls. They kick us off all the time. I'll sometimes hit a button, and it wont do anything. Then when we're just talking it will kick us off, saying there are no custom calling features for this call.
Fuck the Government is all I can say.

His mom actually wants to see him now. Tuesdays. I get Fridays. Whatever.
There's so much that needs to be done.
First though we need to pay off his fines. They've been sent to a collection agency, and he needs to send them a letter saying that I can talk to them, and so I can at least jump start payments.
Then I have to go take care of the fruita situation. Either pay his fine off, or since it's been awhile he'll do like 2 to 3 days in jail...I just hope everything goes smoothly.
It will though...it may be rocky at first, but we'll find something a little better.

I found some old pictures of me and Jordan. Maybe I shouldn't have goptten them. It's hard. Really hard.
I can't even talk about it anymore.
I'm in love with a wonderful person right now.
Than I have to go and do something stupid like get those. Bring back those memories. Like I said.
It's hard.

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